Where was God in Our Darkest Moment?
- Eden VerBeek
- Mar 21
- 3 min read
Updated: Mar 27
When we lost Mason, there were big questions lingering in my heart.
Where was God in that triage room?
Where was He during labor and delivery?
Was He with me?
Did He care?
Because if I’m honest, it was hard to see Him in those moments. Hard to feel that He was there with us, holding us and giving us strength.
He felt distant. Which left us feeling terrified, heartbroken, and anxious.
I didn’t ask “Where is God?” in an angry way, or even in a questioning-His-existence kind of way.
It was an honest question. One that I had never asked so openly before.
Where was He in that room? When the doctor said “I’m sorry, I’m not finding a heartbeat?”
As I begin to look back now, I can see something that I couldn’t then.
He was there.
He was present. Holding, uplifting, strengthening, comforting.
He was in the doctor when she held my hand, telling me to remember the moment she said there was nothing I could’ve done differently.
He was in my family as they held us while we wept.
He was in the nurse who prayed with us.
He was in the eight hours we got to hold our son, sustaining us so we could make the most of our time with him.
He was in the people that showed up for us. The prayers that covered us.
God did not prevent our heartbreak. And that is something I will never fully understand.
But He did not abandon us in it.
Scripture says:
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted…”
— Psalm 34:18.
He is near.
Not distant.
Not absent.
Not uncaring.
He is near in the tears, the silence, and the questions we don’t have answers to.
None of this was a surprise to Him. So He didn’t shy away from it.
In the early days after losing Mason, I would say “God didn’t give me strength today. I barely made it through.”
My husband would gently ask, “But you did, didn’t you?”
He helped me see that even though I would spend my whole day crying or sitting on the couch, that was still God giving me strength.
We often want our days and our strength to look like getting everything right, holding it together, and carrying on with daily activities.
I realize now, that’s not always what the strength God gives us looks like.
I’ve learned to be grateful for the days where I can cry and cry, but still make it to the end of the day. He gives us strength to feel the emotions we need to, but with gratefulness in our hearts that we are here, we know Him, and we know He will continue to carry us.
Sometimes, the strength He gives us looks like letting ourselves flop weakly into His arms so He can carry us. It takes strength to do that.
And He is always there.
If you are walking through loss and wondering where God is…
Please know this:
He is not waiting for you on the other side of grief.
He is with you in it.
Even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Even when your faith feels fragile.
Even when all you can do is breathe and survive.
He is near.
And if you need reminders of that, we are here to walk alongside you.
Related post: Learning to Live with Grief
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