When Hope feels Complicated

Hope is a word that before baby loss, felt simple, expected, easy to hold on to. 

After baby loss…hope feels: terrifying, confusing, unattainable, unsafe. 

When we lost Mason, it felt like all hope had gone out the window. I couldn’t imagine that I would ever possibly be happy again. I couldn’t picture a future where I had what I desired. I couldn’t picture trusting God and having hope in His plan for my life when something so tragic had happened. 

But as time went by, hope slowly returned. Not the same as before, that’s for sure. Hope for me now feels cautious and fragile. The feeling of hope also brings an unexpected emotion with it that didn’t accompany it before. That feeling is guilt. 

I felt like if I had hope for a brighter future, I must be suddenly okay without Mason now. Maybe I don’t love him enough if I’m able to look ahead and imagine how things might feel joyful again. Maybe I’m a bad mother if I hope for living kids in the future and start to trust in God’s plan again. 

If you have held both hope and guilt in the same breath, you are not alone. This is another layer of grief, one that has gotten more difficult for me as time has gone on. 

I think in our minds, we believe that hope returning means grief is disappearing. And as mothers, we don’t want the grief, the remembering, to ever disappear. So, hope feels dangerous. 

As I talked to God about this, I began feeling this overwhelming sense of peace that having hope for my future can fully coexist with holding on to my love for Mason. Having hope for my future reveals my trust that God can, has, and will continue to work in my life in ways that are far greater than I could accomplish on my own. 

It doesn’t take away from what I’ve been through or what I’ve lost. In fact, being able to have hope again is a testament to the depths God has brought me through. He has given me just enough strength to trust that while the pain of losing Mason will never go away or make sense, He will provide for me. 

More than ever before, I have hope that God WILL get me through any season of life. No matter what comes, I have tangible proof now of how He uplifts, upholds, and carries through every season. 

So friend, if you are struggling with feeling hope again after loss, first, know that you aren’t alone. And that it’s okay to struggle with this. Second, know that having hope doesn’t diminish your grief, your story, or what you’ve been through. The two can live together. Lastly, if hope feels too impossible or complicated, know that God understands this. He can work with even a mustard seed of faith and hope in His plan. 

As always, thank you for walking this journey with us. We are here for you. We understand.